Bipolar Brain

– This one is a little raw, it’s honest in the days of my life. This post is one about bipolar disorder and the effects, this post also touches on anxiety and depression. I don’t know if any of these will trigger anyone with a mental illness. –

If you’ve watched TV, Netflix, Hulu, or any other tv or tv app then chances are you’ve seen a bipolar medication commercial, these commercials talk about bipolar’s “extreme highs or lows” meaning depression, mania, and hypomania.

I’ve spent 5 days in a state of mania and now I’m exhausted. I’ve barely slept (at least I got all 4’s :P), my brain has been firing nonstop for the duration, and my emotions were all over the place. Although the Lamictal & Trazodone work it doesn’t always 100% of the time, kind of like anything else.

What is hard about this disorder is that you don’t know when any of it is going to happen, it could be weeks or it could be months but when it does the only thing you can do is hold on and trust it won’t last forever.

It can be really hard on your family and friends too; canceling plans made well in advance that everyone is excited for, family get-togethers, or just hanging out to watch tv or paint.

When the mind decides itself upon something there is no changing it, especially when it’s wired in so deep it can’t be found. I’ve made terrible financial decisions, relationship choices, not looking after my well being, and spending days feeling like I have to read 3 books, write a novel, paint 12 canvases, write 15 business and 20 personal blog posts, talk to every friend I have for hours and get my hair & nails done when I’m so confident I could touch the sky.

I can’t go more than three days without taking my medications. I get ill, horrible migraine, I get so moody even though I don’t want to be around me, oh and I want to dye my hair purple (actually turned out pretty nice), or get a puppy (his name is Yamper, he’s a Pembroke Welsh Corgi). 

I’ve also got anxiety which can be brought through the roof sometimes. Large crowds I can’t be in because I’m worried something will happen to me or the ones I love, I’m claustrophobic even in my own clothes because my chest gets so tight I can’t breathe, and bring on the stress that brings on the panic attacks. That’s only to name a few. The Abilify & Prozac are helping keep this one at bay.

See what I mean by just holding on, it’s really all you can do. I’ve picked up a few tools along the way. I’ve learned to still try to be mindful of these episodes and anxieties. It’s definitely not easy but you’ve got to push through to find something to grasp while waiting for the storm to pass.

I’ve recently started going to a psychologist which was referred to by my psychiatrist, but I’m not exactly sure how it should go, I’ve only been once. I thought it was just talking about my feelings but I was told to talk about anything that pop-up or anything I find during the week before another session to write things down, I’d like to cover.

I’ve had anxiety for most of my life and I’ve been misdiagnosed since I was a teenager. I was being treated for anxiety and depression but nothing was working; if anything it was making it worse. I was a little relieved when I got the bipolar 1 diagnosis because now I know I’m not crazy and all over the place chalking it up to my personality.

Someone who knows where you’re at and what it’s like is always helpful. Other than my psychologist and psychiatrist I’m going at this alone myself. When I try to talk to friends or family members all I get is an “I don’t understand”, which sort of pisses me off because you’d think a close member of your family would at least try to understand, like my mom. I talk to her about everything, she’s my best friend yet for this particular subject she won’t take the time to read up on it or ways she could help.

If you too have this disorder and need someone to talk to, I keep conversations confidential but I’m in no way a psychologist but I am a good listener. Send me a message or email and we’ll chat as long as you need to.